The "War on Piracy"

By Jamie York

[Somalia is one of the poorest nations on Earth and it has no functioning government. Organized factions compete against each other for what wealth and food they can find and as part of this competition they have reportedly taken to the seas to loot whatever ship passes their way. Anything of value is taken, from jewelry to food to whatever cargo the ship may be carrying. Even the entire ship! Loot or starve is basically a way of life. These are some of the “pirates” we hear so much about lately, so now we have to ask, what if Obama declared a war on piracy? Oh yeah, and western nations are rumored to be dumping tons of nuclear waste into the sea off the Somali coast. And Somali volunteers are rumored to be trying to stop this illegal dumping by chasing down ships. Hmmm...makes you wonder what’s really up, doesn’t it? Taking hostages is always wrong, but we need an investigation into this allegation of nuclear dumping as well.]

Obama: Mr. Bush, I have a problem. What should I do about the pirates?

Bush: The Pirates? You gotta love that Duke guy. He’s a a lefty though and I don’t like lefties. Hehehe.

Obama: No, no, not the Pittsburgh Pirates, sea pirates. SEA PIRATES.

Bush: I understand, I understand. I’m an understander. hehehe I loved Hook, didn’t you? Dustin Hoffman looked just like a pirate but I don’t like Hollywood. Too many lefties hehehe.

Obama: Should I declare war on the pirates? That is what I wanted to ask you.

Bush: I would, hehehe. Back in my day we had a war on the terrorists. You remember that? I said we would smoke ‘em outta their holes and that’s what we did! We smoked ‘em! Hehehe. Right outta their holes hehehe.

Obama: I remember that! You were a regular John Wayne. But what about the pirates? Should I declare a “War on Piracy”?

Bush: What’s that Darkie? Hehehe Can I call you Darkie? Stretch is already taken, hehehe, or Dark Man. Can I call you Dark Man?

Obama: No! How about Barack? You can call me Barack. Or Mr. President. Can you be serious for a moment? What should I do about the pirates?

Bush: Hehehe, you’re pretty funny there Dark Man. I like a man with humor. Ya gotta have humor hehehe.

Obama: George, PLEASE!

Bush: OK, OK. Yeah, declare a war on the pirates. Just make an announcement from the Oval Office, sitting behind my desk, uh, your desk. The media love that, you know, makes you look presidential hehehe. They eat it up. But you gotta look at the camera. That’s the hard part. Hehehe Dick yelled at me for not looking hehehe You know Dick?

Obama: Yes, yes, of course I know Dick. Is there anything else I should do?

Bush: Maybe you could have a parrot on your shoulder hehehe. Everyone knows that pirates have parrots.

Obama: Thanks for speaking with me, sir. I will consider your advice.

Bush: You do that, Dark Man, hehehe [Obama exits]

Voice from closet: Can I come out now? Is he gone, son?

Bush: Yes, yes Poppy, come on out hehehe I had him going didn’t I hehehe

Bush Sr.: You did great son. He won’t do anything and when the media find out we’ve been dumping nuclear waste there he will get all the blame. Then we can get Jeb in the White House. This is the New World Order, son, and Democrats and environmentalists are not welcome!

Bush: Hehehe, Hehehehehe

What would Joe the Plumber say?

Satire by Jamie York

[Reporter interviews southern senator]

Reporter: What would Joe the Plumber say about President Obama's stimulus plan?

Senator: Well, obviously, Joe the Plumber would say that reducing the amount of federal withholding from everyone’s paycheck is socialism.

Reporter: Socialism? Isn’t the goal to put more cash in people's pockets, to encourage spending and thus help the ailing economy?

Senator: Republicans would have the economy running smoothly if we were in charge, if it were not for the Democrats and their obstructionist ways. They are the ones distracting us right now with their talk about Rush Limbaugh running the Republican Party. They are slowing down any hope of economic recovery. I’m stuffing all of my extra cash into my mattress for the day when Obama’s stimulus plan fails and the economy tanks.

Reporter: Senator, aren’t you over-reacting? Joe the Plumber won’t get his plumbing, country music star, reporting, book writing, union busting career started if the economy tanks. Wouldn’t he want Obama’s plan to succeed?

Senator: Of course Joe wants the economy to succeed. He knows we are the greatest nation in the world. But Joe would not want the Democratic stimulus to work if it means giving away free money to everyone. He would say we need to increase the Bush tax cuts. If businesses have more money, they will expand and hire more workers.

Reporter: That is classic Reaganomics, but how will the benefits trickle-down fast enough to help people right now? Remember, the economy was in shambles when Obama became president. Besides, the big banks, automakers, and insurance companies are also failing from many years of bad lending practices, inefficient operations, and greed.

Senator: I hate to say it, but we may need to nationalize the banks.

Reporter: Isn’t that socialism?

Senator: Not when we do it; only when other nations do it.

Reporter: What would Joe the Plumber say about that?